For a long time no one in the village even knew they lived in a dessert. Like bacteria unfurling in a petri dish, members of the tribe got up each day and, in accordance with their own wants wills and desires perfected the art of ephemeral forever. They sang operettas, scrubbed crockpots, injected drugs, ran other over without the slightest hint of remorse, raised children and raised a boatload. They did this blindly, but only party so because somewhere the ghettos of each villager's soul, the bitter truth lay packing on meat.

Still, it took years before anyone understood that they'd soon be completely out of water.  It took another millennia or so before anyone could speak it aloud. But eventually, and here's where things really go awry, once every understood the reality of their situation and stood agape in the shadow of their present shamelessness, they did what came naturally to those unused to the indignities of self-incrimination. They panicked. And, as is usually the case with worriers, they tore themselves to pieces.

Despite their fear, however, the belief that things would get better was a so wrought in their schema, that no one save the passionately insane considered leaving the village for potentially greener fields elsewhere. Those who did were never heard from again—not to sound too terribly cliché.

Most villagers pitied the souls that wandered off, giving them up for dead or indentured servitude.  Still, as life in the village deteriorated, a certain divine lore emerged from the tracks of the departed, and tribes consolidated rumors and legends about those who left in acts camaraderie unheard of in days before the big drought. Patiently, the codified myth, parsing through what felt wrong and what seemed right. Unable to reconcile reality, villagers became fanatical in their pursuit of mystery. Historians slept with guns and typewriters were buried beneath inches of iron and concrete and brought out only on special, ceremonial occasions.

People no longer recognized their homes or families and drifted like wraiths through the necropolis. All villagers could focus on was a way out: out of reality, out of fantasy, out from under the sun, out from beneath the sun. They thirsted for escape, aching for it so strongly; that eventually it became the only method they had for identifying themselves.

Some escaped.

Gone.

Others remained; remembering and forgetting, diving in and out of themselves, pretending and not pretending, laughing but not really laughing, committing acts they always knew they would but feigning surprise at doing so. And then, of course, they all died.

Stuck.

Look at me. I'm wearing a vintage brown "Boomer's Boxing School" t-shirt under an even darker brown, single-breasted sport jacket. Hell, the damned thing even has peanut-butter colored pinstripes; which, sigh, match the laces on my shoes.

My name might as well be Pierce or something. It's pathetic.

Even worse, I'm hanging out with a bunch of dudes tonight. Indeed, it's my friend Mark's birthday. Poor bastard.

So here I am, looking Euro-Trash as all get out--a phrase that has its roots on the  fair continent-- and I'm not even seeing my girlfriend.

Sucks.

***Hmm...I just re-read what I wrote. How many of you were tempted to start singing "Misty" after the first sentence? Just wondering.

There's an article in the Marketplace section of yesterday's Wall Street Journal about how The Arctic Monkeys, England's newest and greatest hype, has failed to meet any American crossover expectations. Ostensibly, this came as a shock to radio producers on both sides of the Atlantic, particularly after months of cloying reviews from one British (and American) paper after another. One magazine even had the cajones to claim that the new Arctic Monkey's record was more important than the Clash's "London Calling."

Their debut album, "Whatever People Say I am, That's What I'm Not"--clearly not directed at the editors at Mojo—only sold 34,000 copies stateside—less than 10% of the 360,000 unloaded on our salivating British brethren. Although the Wall Street Journal focused primarily on the business-side of the deal, this is the Wall Street Journal after all, the article did cite cultural and linguistic barriers as determents to state side success. After all, who in the United States wants to listen to some Limey brat warble about "tracky bottoms?" Please. We Yanks need something we can relate to, like 50 Cent.

And let's not forget how grating that whiny English accent becomes after fifteen minutes. Don't these kids know that in order to obtain real success in America they need to lose the ol' "nippa & chippa"? Look at folks like Elvis Costello, Manfred Man and Graham Parker. Hell, listen to "Yesterday" and find me any trace of Liverpool inflection. It's all but non-existent.

Maybe it's just me, but it's that damned accent that keeps me from watching Kiera Knigthly films. That and the fact that she's always calling me at 2 in the morning for a booty call. Kiera, seriously. It's over. Move on, sister.

To be quite honest, I don't understand why all this cross-cultural confusion has come as such of a shock to studio heads. With the exception of the two British invasions—the one from the 60's being very much American inspired, as John Lennon himself has pointed out—British music has never translated well here. Case in point: The Smiths. Here's a band that practically ruled England for a couple years during the mid-80's but a quick Google search indicates that they never even broke the top 40 here. Why?

Now I like the Smiths so I'm not sure I can answer that, but a few reasons do pop to mind. They paraded their Britishness so gratingly, and so explicitly that it often carried the weight of jingoism. Despite Morrisey's anti-nationalist rhetoric, this does tend to turn people off.  Ask Toby Kieth why his albums don't sell in Manchester. Or maybe it's because so many Smiths songs sounds like they're streaming from an old Zenith television set somewhere below a CTA Brown-Line station. Whatever the reason may be, The Smiths and their Arctic offspring lack the Gravitas needed to make it here in America. And let's be honest, that's where the money is.

But with a lackluster American debut already in the bank, industry questions about the Arctic Monkey's future—whether they should focus on the UK or give America another shot—will almost certainly grow. How can it not? Who knows, maybe they can come back with an album that doesn't sound like a reject from the "Trainspotting" soundtrack. Good luck to them on that.

Oh, and good luck on Saturday Night Live, mates.

I didn't catch most of the Oscars but I liked what I saw.

John Stewart was funny enough, I suppose. The musical numbers were only moderately tedious, and Michael Moore wasn't there, so at least we could all watch without waiting for the other shoe to drop. There's something to be said for that.

Not that it matters by now anyhow because no one I know can recall any of the winners, save of course for that "Hard Out Here for a Pimp" group. What's their name? Whatever.

Oh, and it only had the second lowest ratings ever. Whew!

But here's what bugs me: why are winners rushed off the stage three seconds after they pick up their award? Not to give Hollywood any more credit than it's due, but the Oscars is its night after all, so why shouldn't they be allowed to incoherently ramble for a bit? Is it so that those of we in the Midwest can watch the news at 10:30 instead of 11? Give me a break. Reese Witherspoon worked hard to get that pretty. At least give her a few minutes to make a fool of herself.

And besides, does it really matter whether the Oscars are three hours and twenty minutes or three hours and fifty minutes? After the 3-hour mark it all becomes an LSD hallucination anyway.

Since when is throwing a Muppet into a commercial clever advertising?

It now appears that Kermit and the gang have become the puppets of last resort when fresh, young advertising executives who haven't done enough coke yet, run out of ideas.

Boss: What can we say about Pizza Hut, Jenkins?

Jenkins: Gee, I don't know boss. That it doesn't taste like cardboard?

Boss: Right. But how do we sell that to consumers?

Jenkins: Hmmm…That's a tough one boss.

Both:  MISS PIGGY!

Jenkins: And if that doesn't work, my two-month old daughter is available!

Boss: Jenkins, you're a genius.

We don't talk about it much, but every Jew in America has an Ash Wednesday story. Kind of like how every Chinese restaurant in America has a Christmas story and every gentile— in the north Chicago-land area, anyway—has a Yom Kippur story. Most of these tales of ethnic bewilderment adhere to a similar albeit extensive story line. Basically, it involves running into a member of another religion/ethnicity/ect at their most spiritually exposed and being unable to process it. Call it a momentary loss of liberality.

Hmm..I should probably back up a minute here. Not every Jew has an Ash Wednesday story, just those I've discussed this with. Heck, I'm sure many Hindus can also attest to an Ash Wednesday story or two, let alone all the world's Protestants. So it's not just us. No "Zionist Secrets Revealed" here. Sorry, Ms. Zerbisias.

Although, I think the Jewish reaction to Ash Wednesday represents something unique in the modern "us & them" ethos that keeps the world spinning. Whenever I see a Catholic with an ash cross on his head, I am overwhelmed by two contradictory feelings, both taking turns at predominance. Either I am grateful or I am concerned.  

Maybe it's the notion, however subconscious, that on this date some two millennia ago, our status as "killers" was sealed and shouts for our slaughter given international legitimacy. Not that I consider Ash Wednesday a call for the defensive. On the contrary, Ash Wednesday is perhaps the only holiday in the world which, almost by default, forces people of differing faiths to understand, though never fully accept, the things that divide them. We tread carefully though, because for one day a year, it's literally in our face.

Still, all inter-faith circle-jerking aside, real feelings of anxiety percolate every Ash Wednesday and it's not by accident that I spend most of that day avoiding eye contact with certain individuals. Those ashes means something to non-Catholics in general and to Jews in particular. In many ways they signifiy the day the first shoe finally dropped.

I'm exaggerating, surely, in today's America it's really very easy to be a Jew. None of us are concerned about being refused access to the Bryn Mawher country club or being forced to live (or not to live) in certain neighborhoods. There are no pogroms, no fever-swamp "Elders of Zion" kind of stuff, and besides the occasion kook professor or far left/far right zealot, few people here seem out to "get us." I'm not saying anti-Semitism doesn't exist, just read Pat Buchanan or Alexander Cockburn (the later wrote an entire book about how blaming the Jews for X,Y or Z while openly advocating the wholesale destruction of their state isn't at all anti-Semitic, and anyone who says so is just tying to stymie "legitimate criticism of Israel." A rather funny read in a pathetically self-delusional kind of way.) as evidence of that.  I myself have experienced it only twice, and the second time was more ignorant than malicious.

Yet still, part of being a Jew is an acceptance of the "otherness" innate in ourselves and other religions. Part of that "otherness" remains the often violent gulch that twins our mutual pasts; and nothing exemplifies this better than ash on the forehead. This is in contrast to the "oneness" proclaimed by Eastern faiths, a philosophy that sounds nice in theory but as a Jew, I simply cannot abide. This is nothing new, by the way, Jewish thinkers have long drawn distinctions between "oneness" and "otherness" so don't think I'm being terribly original here. Nevertheless, I still believe these concepts must overlap and conjoin.

I'm not going to delve into my Ash Wednesday story, it's rather dull and not pertinent to the point I'm trying to make. The fact that I even have a story to tell is evidence enough of the intractable presence of religious "otherness." None of us will ever be able to remove ourselves from the isolation tract so long as religious anxiety remain unabated.

Paranoid and intolerant? Maybe. And the deeper one's faith the harder it is to sensitize  one's self to the pains that divide us. When such seemingly innocuous things like ashes on Ash Wednesday inspire trepidation—no matter how much respect coincides—than things have turned sour on the corner of faith and know-how.

Clearly there is so much more to being a Jew or a Catholic or Muslim or an atheist than the beliefs that divide. No one needs me to tell them that. But don't underestimate the positivity inherent in those very differences that can teach us so much about the world.

The man with the gray satchel is never on time. Often he runs late and we can see him jogging frantically down the road, bag jerking violently off his back. He may be early from time to time as well, but those days are undoubtedly rare. He appears every day though, heavy clad in a ski jacket carpenters jeans. Sometimes he wears a stocking cap but today he didn’t.

His name is David and he hawks the Chicago Sun-Times for ten hours a day on the corner of Pulaski and Peterson. Thin and graying with a perfect goatee, he looks a little like Henry Louis Gates Junior sans the thousand-dollar suite. I told him that once he looked at me like I’d just told him he resembled like Henry Louis Gates Junior.

“Is he good-looking,” he asked?

“I guess,” I replied. “But they don’t usually print his hedcut in the Wall Street Journal.”

“Well that’s not Sun-Times. Buy the Sun-Times, man. Only fifty-cents”

I don’t often buy from David because, well, since columnist Deborah Pickett got married, there’s been very little need to continue picking it up. If there’s no chance I can use her column to score points via e-mail, then there’s just no reason to waste half a buck on such a second-rate newspaper. I stopped watching Rachel Ray for the very same reason.

Still, I’m one for consistency, for guarantees no matter how untenable, so when David told me that today might be his last day, I was crushed. He’d found a better job, one that did not require him to spend hours enduring the cold Midwestern winter, and for that I was pleased. Conditions have taken a toll on him and he looks well older than his forty-two years. Still, a leak had sprung from the vessel of my life leaving me spinning just slightly off target.

I shook his hand. “Good luck to you, sir. I really will miss you.”

He thanked me, nodded and grabbed his satchel. It was only 4 p.m. and his shift was far from over.

Sally keeps a picture of a skinny Yorkshire terrier in a frame beside her computer. Most of the time it loafs in a niche in the corner by her mouse pad but sometimes, and these moments are rare, it'll stand regally atop her monitor surveying its fiefdom.  Rarer still are the days when photo is removed from its frame and tucked between the 8 and F6 keys. From a distance it looks like skinny finger waving "hello," although once I thought it was a bug.

Once Sally hid the picture. Or maybe she didn't hide it per se, but I certainly didn't see it when I came to cubicle for a meeting. The only other picture she keeps on her desk is of her niece Audrey, a girl I've never met but whom I was assured many years ago would be an "awful match" for me.

The picture was only absent for one day but its lacuna it left in its wake yawned from end of the office to another and people, even those who didn't work with Sally, maintained a position of repressed anxiety. People moved forward, going through the normal Thursday afternoon motions, but everyone was just slightly less fluid. Custodians, receptionists and executives moved in tense, exaggerated motions—some of them knocking over things, some ripping off too much paper at the printer, other tripping and falling over awkward, inappropriate phrases they'd never say otherwise. A window-cleaning crew moved in, poking through buckets of cleanser spilled by gawky accountants several times throughout the day.  

In many ways I've come to consider the picture the glue that holds Sally together. There is a sadness to her that can overwhelm one at times and it's reassuring—in whatever way I should be reassured-- to know that an anchor exists for her somewhere. That she has no children should come as little surprise and the fact she's adopted every twenty-something in the department even less so. Sometimes she even calls me "sonny boy," before ordering a thorough re-reading of my daily revenue report.

She chides us for not wearing gloves, dispenses patient albeit less-than-sage advice regarding our love lives and sometimes cat-sits for people on vacation.

Don't get me wrong, not having kids was a conscious choice on her part. She simply didn't want any and there's nothing wrong with that. But lately it appears that we, the adopted family of the accounts receivable department just aren't enough. At the age of forty-eight she's well aware that her chances for motherhood are slim at best. 

Sally is sad. Not pathetic, mind you. Pathetic is an upper-middle class teenage junkie. But the aura of sadness is real and it surrounds her always. Earlier this afternoon she told me about the frozen pipes at her house. It was like Debussey sonata.

We sat in the third floor lunchroom, talking and sipping weak coffee. We do this often, sit, talk, cvech. She does most of the talking and for the most part I'm more than content to listen. Today, however, I was in something of a mood (laundry issues, you don't want to know) and motioned to leave a few minutes before our break was over. In all honesty, I was a bit rude, it was obvious tell that I hadn't been paying much attention.

"Hey wait a sec, okay?" Her voice was cool, like a politician reading a statement.

The only other person in the lunchroom was someone from one of the collections departments and she was chatting breezily on a cell phone. A heavy feeling gathered over me and I found myself desperately wishing for someone else to enter. Facing sadness alone is one of the cruelest twists of the human experience. Like all of us, Sally faces pain alone every day. Today I faced it too. She offered me the picture.

She held firm between her thumb and forefinger, waving it as she spoke. She didn't explain why she wanted me to have it. She spoke of the dog in the present tense, and even mentioned an upcoming vet appointment. But she would answer no questions. She would only say that she didn't want the picture anymore. She stared at me very hard, there was something unmovable about her then, it made me want to start talking and never stop. I wanted to keep the stream of words flowing, to keep the upside facing up and downside facing way, way, down. But I didn't. I couldn't. And neither could she.

I told her to keep the picture then rushed out.

Later I reconsidered and she gave me picture. I taped it to my CPU but it didn't stay there long. Before the day wads over she asked for it back. She put in a drawer.

When I left, the picture still hadn't been returned to its original position. She'll bring it out when she's ready. When the ache subsides.

Ok seriously, Anderson Cooper and that Overstock.com model that reports the evening headlines need to just screw already. I'm getting a little tired of enduring night after night of their sophomoric non-sequiturs. How many times must we roll our eyes while "Scoop" Cooper and whatever her name is make cutesy little comments and blow verbal kisses at each other? Ugh.  Ok guys; time to stop. I mean it. It's annoying. Hell, even my grandmother is starting to gag and she owns the Jeanette McDonald movie library.

They need to have sex so that their banter can finally go from treacly and banal to bitter and desultory—which is really why we're all watching anyway. Why do you think Fox kept Bob Sirott and Marianne Marciano around for so long? If nothing else, CNN sexcapdes could finally get Cooper out of the country for a while, and how great would that be for ratings? Who wouldn't like to see ol' tinsel top throw a conniption fit during an anti-Danish riot in Damascus?

Sometimes I think that argyle is all that stands between us and the end of the world. It stands against the unyielding compromises and sartorial servitudes that undermine every tenet of resolve and self-respect. It's a thin barrier between delusion and absolute truth. And Even those who don't don the stripes and diamonds respect its certitude.

A middle age woman in jeans and a beige sweater sat on the washing the machine when I came down to dry my clothes. She was reading a magazine but tossed it quickly when she heard the door open. I think her name is Iris and as far as I know she isn't married. No kids either. Sometimes she asks me if I go to Mather, a high school on the city's north side. When I tell her I am twenty-six years old she feigns embarrassment and says how much I'll appreciate my "young looking face," in a few years.

I notice she wears little argyle. Lots of cable, though..

"I hope you don't mind," she tells me as I clomp down the metallic scales that stretch from the roof to the laundry room, "I put your clothes on the chair. I needed to dry. It'll just be a minute."

I told her that I did not mind that I'd just return later to stick my stuff in the dryer. I suppose I could have stuck around and make chit-chat, but I just wasn't up for it. And besides, "24" was going to start in a mere umm….two hours.

On my way back up, she called after me. "You have some kind of argyle fetish don't you?"

"I just like the pattern," I said from slightly beyond the laundry room door.

Then she asked me how many argyle sweaters I own. Seven, I almost called back. But then I thought. Is it eight? Nine? Ten? Fifteen? How many sweaters with wavy patterns could I own and what exactly did that say about me? Is there something wrong with purchasing one argyle sweater after another? Is it indicate of a fear of trying new things or losing myself to the capricious demands of secular society?

Or is it my way of staving off the beast? Asserting my creativity by eschewing the abstract?  The problem with patterns that they never end. Colors, sizes and shapes keep them moving, but resiliency keeps it all the same. The same but different: our weapon against Donna Karan.  

I told the woman I had ten argyle sweaters. When I came down a half an hour later she was still there, folding sheets and whistling quietly. Quickly, I tossed my stuff into the dryer. On my way out, however, I turned around and called down to her,

"You know, Iris, I think I actually have sixteen of them."

She didn't reply.  

Rain in Chicago. Sometimes it looks as if it’s falling up, marching skyward and vanishing into the heavens. It fuses with cabbage colored tides of the Great Lakes, a venal cocktail of Heaven and earth. Falling up, falling down, it tells no secrets but those we allow.

I didn’t bring an umbrella to the conference today so I stood beneath the glass canopy overlooking the foyer and waited for the rain to stop. I waited as throngs of my Jewish compatriots strolled, umbrellas raised, through the streets towards whatever awaited them on the other side of the night. I breathed the scent of G-d against the masses; it smelled like sweat. It’s a tough business this feeling good all over, a red herring, a key to the Necropolis, but we can’t endure without it. The rain took me home this afternoon, wherever that may be.